Applying to a second round of graduate schools was one of the scariest and most vulnerable things that I’ve ever done.
During the second semester of my senior year of undergrad, I applied to three graduate programs. Two schools rejected my application after I went through the entire process of applying and interviewing. In August I started a graduate program at my safety school, the third choice. I had a gut feeling that it wouldn’t be a good fit for me but was so lost that I didn’t know what else to do.
Three days into the first week I started an application for another school. I felt so out of place and isolated. My mind was filled with lies, egged on by depression and anxiety. When I’m hurting, I make myself smaller. I disappear, believing the lies that I only add pain to the lives of people around me. It is a lonely place, feeling like you cannot be honest.
By week six of the semester, I knew I needed to go. I didn’t know where to, or what life would look like instead, but I had to leave. Looking for schools and potentially applying, interviewing, visiting, waiting, choosing and moving was so overwhelming that I almost chose to stay. Going to graduate school full-time and working is enough. How could I handle uprooting my life once again?
Fearing Rejection
But, oh, what a loss it would have been to stay in the known. Stepping out in faith has forced me to trust God more, relying on Him for courage and direction. I knew what I was looking for and was trying to trust that God has good in store for me.
If you’ve ever been rejected in any capacity, you can relate to the fear of trying again. Significant people in my life had to encourage me, as one mentor puts it, to keep “giving my heart well”. I’m not great with self-love. Heck, I’m not even good at liking myself. Most of the time I don’t want people to see the real me. At least in the field of psychology, you have to be honest and vulnerable with your story in applications.
Self-Investment
I am also working on valuing myself more. Self-care is not selfish. Taking care of my health is necessary. I am worth investing in.
Applying to graduate schools involves a huge investment of time and money. There are essays to write, interviews to attend, tests to take, and application fees. I had to wrestle with the lies telling me that I was spending hundreds of dollars just to be rejected again.
My life is far from put together. I struggle in many areas. I love the song “Misguided Ghosts” by Paramore because it reminds me that sometimes we think we’re following people who are put together, but no one really does.
We all learn and grow together. When I am honest about my struggles, other people receive encouragement to be honest too.
Morals of the Story
My life is not put together. Confronting rejection is very intimidating but worth it. It feels really good to see open doors and new perspectives. I want to be all in even when life is hard and unsettling.
I hope this is encouraging to you. None of us are as pretty as we seem from the outside.
Interested in what my future holds? There will be a post coming soon!
Photo by Soragrit Wongsa on Unsplash